Cheesy but True. There is Hope.
“Since I was 5, my mom has always been telling me to lose weight because "being fat is considered ugly and I don't want an ugly daughter." So I had little to no self esteem starting from that age. When I was 9 my dad, who protected me from my mom's verbal abuse, had to move to California for six months for a job relocation and my depression started there. I was underweight, always crying, and scared of my mom. When that school year finished we all moved across the country to be with my dad. I started middle school and skipped 5th grade. My parents always had such high expectations when it came to grades it drove me insane. 6th grade I got straight A's and after that my grades started to slip and my parents became disappointed. No matter how hard I studied I couldn't seem to focus. With the stress of moving from my old home, going to a new school where I was bullied, and my grades, I looked to self harm as my only escape. In high school my concentration got so bad. Endless hours of studying and talking to my teachers for help and I would still not do well enough for my parents. At 15, I had my first boyfriend who I was with for a year. He only saw me as an object and ended up raping me throughout our relationship and I didn't even realize it until my friend told me what was happening is not ok. By junior year I was so scared of not meeting my parents expectations. I got in another abusive relationship where he threatened to kill me, would choke me, smashed my car's windows, and he broke into my house so I got a restraining order. My depression spiralled out of control and the self harming got so bad I tried to kill myself 5 times. The 4th and 5th time, I was sent to a mental hospital. This is when my biggest fear of my parents knowing about my depression was revealed. My school found out and called me the "suicidal one". I was forced to be admitted into a partial rehab program where I finally got the help I needed. I was officially diagnosed with major depression, ADD, PTSD, insomnia, and an anxiety disorder. I've been on over 30 different medications with no success so I had some tests done and I am one of the rare unlucky few who can't metabolize antidepressants. Over time finding the right medication combination and the right people, I was able to be mentally stable. Things I never thought were possible I am doing right now. I didn't think I would graduate high school let alone go to college, but here I am on deans list doing the best in my life. I never believed it would get better, but it did. I still have my down days but rather than using unhealthy and old coping mechanisms, I've learned healthy alternatives like exercise, cooking, and being around animals. 16 year old me would hate me for saying this due to hearing this constantly at group therapy, but I can truly say there is hope! It's not easy and will take time but it will get better. You are not alone I promise you."